


We will grieve not (rather find strength in what remains behind)

by LanceALotz



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst that leads to fluff, F/F, Grieving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:54:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22592080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LanceALotz/pseuds/LanceALotz
Summary: When things are left unsaid, they feel heavier than they should. This is what happens after the events in "Meet the Legends"
Relationships: Avalance - Relationship, Sara Lance/Ava Sharpe
Comments: 12
Kudos: 188





	We will grieve not (rather find strength in what remains behind)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Starling83](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starling83/gifts).



> Spoilers for "Crisis on Infinite Earths" and Legends 5x01  
> Once again, I must thank Starling for her support and betaing. And also for the title and putting up with my crap.

“Do you maybe want to talk, babe? About what happened to Oliver?” Ava has been trying to figure out the best way to address the elephant in the room for a while, pacing up and down Sara’s office nervously while Sara drowns two helpings of scotch, leaning on her desk with her eyes fixed in the air in front of her.

“Not now. It’s late. Plus, today was… intense. I just— I’m gonna head to bed, alright? A little rest will do me good. I’m exhausted.”

Ava hesitates for a moment. She wishes she knew what to say or do to make Sara feel better. After the documentary fiasco — although somehow they managed to make it not so terrible in the end — she has had the feeling that she’s failed Sara, that no matter how much she wants to be there for her, she’s not going to be enough. “Okay,” she mutters in the end, managing only a lopsided smile. 

Right after Sara leaves, Ava notices the condolence card and grimaces. It’s still where she left it so chances are no one has read the stupid words she wrote. 

“ _...but I hope you never loved him at all”  _

Rereading it only makes things worse for her. She tears the card in two as she lets herself fall flat onto the couch, letting out a sigh. The more she lets thoughts into her mind, the more the sense of inadequacy hits her.  _ You have no real life experience. How are you even supposed to help her? Your memories don’t apply to real people. No, no. Sara wouldn’t want you to think that. You’re a real person. You have to be real. I’m real. I’m just— utterly useless. I’m sure if it had been me who’d died, Oliver would know what to say. Maybe Sara wouldn’t feel so sad. She had known him far longer than me. And he wasn’t socially awkward and emotionally incompetent. Or out of a job. Fuck. Sara is suffering and all I do is feel sorry for myself. And jealous of her ex who happens to be dead and the cause of her sorrow. Why does she even love me? I wonder if she missed me like I missed her. I wonder if she missed me at all. C'mon, girl. Enough of that. You know she did. You’re just being needy because all you want is to wrap your arms around her and be able to make her pain go away. That would make your pain go away, too. No. She needs to rest tonight. It’ll be best if I sleep here on the couch so I don’t wake her up. If she wants to talk about it tomorrow… Maybe she’ll prefer to speak to Behrad, though. They’re really close and he’s good at feelings. I’m not. I’m not even good at being a clone. I was good at being the director of the Time Bureau and that has been taken away from me. Gosh. I don’t know where I fit now. What if I don’t fit in her life anymore? What if... _

Ava falls asleep, worn out after submitting herself to several more sessions of mental torture. 

She wakes up to Sara standing next to the couch, staring at her with an unreadable expression. Ava notices the torn card in Sara’s hands and sits up in a swift move to reach for it.

“Don’t. It’s nothing. Don’t read it.” She walks towards the paper bin, ripping the card into as many pieces as she can. 

“Why aren’t you in bed?”

“I didn’t want to wake you up. You said—”

“I’ve spent god knows how long waking up alone in some sort of stupid universe pocket. I never want to wake up to you not being there ever again.”

“You don’t?”

Sara reaches for Ava’s hand and squeezes a little. “Of course not. Are you coming to bed or are you going to make room for the both of us on that couch?”

Ava smiles heartily and lets Sara lead her to their room by the hand. Neither of them says anything else until they are in bed. 

Sara leans on her side, looking away from Ava. 

Ava stares at her longingly for a few seconds, trying to figure out what the right words are, trying to understand what it is like to lose someone so important in your life in such a tragic way. She imagines for a second what it would be like to lose Sara. The darkest thoughts make their way into her mind and put a pressure in her chest, something cold that burns her flesh and brings tears to her eyes. 

She turns off the light and lies on her back trying to hear Sara’s breathing, as if the fact that she was lying there mere seconds ago wasn’t proof enough of her being alive. Anguish takes over her, choking her, assaulting her with waves of nausea, making it almost impossible to breathe. 

_ Oh, Sara. Is this what you’re feeling?  _

Ava moves slowly, and presses her body against Sara’s back. Her hand finds Sara’s arm and slides down until their fingers touch. 

“I thought I was going to have to ask for cuddles.” Sara mutters. “Hey. Why is your heart beating so fast? Are you okay?”

“I was thinking what it would be like to lose someone. If I had lost you.” 

Sara takes their entwined hands to her chest. “You haven't lost me. See? I’m very much alive. You still have me.” 

“You have me, too. I’m here. I’ll be here if you need to talk, alright? About what happened. About Oliver.”

“About the man you hope I didn’t love at all?”

“Oh my god. You read it. I’m sorry, Sara. I—”

Sara chuckles. “I know. I know.” Sara pressed Ava’s hand more tightly to her chest. “I know you’re here for me and you’re going to be there for me every time I need you.”

“I think I was jealous.”

“You were? Really?”

“Hey! There's no need to be sarcastic. I didn’t realize how I was feeling until I had already put my foot in it.”

“I was never in love with Oliver. Infatuated once. Maybe. Then, after all that happened we had this connection. He knew what it was like to be in my shoes, to have all that baggage and not to know what to do with it. He helped me keep going until I found my place, you know?”

“Yeah. I had never thought of it that way.”

“You should have met him before everything happened. And me. We were selfish brats. Complete idiots.”

“I don’t know if you remember this, but I read your file. I’m not going to get into details, but it’s very thorough. Needless to say I have a pretty good picture of what you were like.”

“Aw. And you still fell in love with me.”

“It didn’t even keep me from falling in love with you the minute you opened your stupid mouth for the first time.”

“You hated me.”

“I hated the way you made my knees weak. I’m still not sure what you saw in me.”

“Those long legs, of course. I wanted to have them wrapped around me the minute I first saw them.”

“I don’t want to sound needy. Especially not now. But why me? We’re so different.”

“I sometimes get the impression that you don’t think we’re together because you’re my first and only choice.”

“Well. I’m the most convenient. I know about time travel, I know about your past...”

“...You know all about my kinks.”

“Yeah, that too.”

“Do you think I’d be with you out of convenience?”

“No. Not really. But in moments like this I can’t help but wonder if you wouldn’t be better off with someone else. Someone who has less trouble identifying and expressing emotions for starters. I’m sure there are plenty of people with long legs who can do and say the right thing, who won’t get jealous of dead ex-lovers because they make them feel insignificant.”

“Aves. For the first time I have the feeling that I’m precisely where I belong. And you are a great part of it. You were the last and most important piece of a puzzle I’ve been trying to put together for years. You make me feel so loved. Safe. And so, so happy.” 

“I didn’t mean to make this about me. I’m sorry.”

“But it is about you. It’s always been. I was sure I was never going to see any of you again, that I wasn’t going to see  _ you _ , my love. When we were at the Vanishing Point, people kept on talking about the ones they loved. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. You weren’t simply dead. You’d been wiped from existence, and I didn’t know how we were supposed to bring you back, and I didn’t know what I would do if we weren’t able to do it, if I couldn’t find my way back to you.” 

Sara’s voice cracked. Ava held her more tightly and pressed her lips against Sara’s shoulder. “Oliver gave everything up so that everyone could live. So that we could be together again. And he changed the world for the better. My dad— He managed to bring him back, too. And Tommy. And he made Laurel's last years happy ones next to him.”

"Oh my god, Sara. I didn't know. I thought he had gone down in a fight, that it had been bad luck during battle." 

Sara shook her head lightly "No. Ollie knew he was going to die long before this happened. He didn't hesitate to sacrifice himself for the world, for his friends. What pains me the most is that I don't know that I would have done the same in his position. I don't know if I'd have made the right choice. What I do know is that he had someone he loved the way I love you, and he had just had a baby girl he's not going to see grow up. And he didn’t get to go back to them because he chose to give everyone else another chance at life." 

Sara turns around and hides her face in the crook of Ava’s neck. Ava notices Sara’s cheeks are wet with tears, so she proceeds to wipe them with her thumb while she brushes her brow lightly with her lips. 

"It's all so unfair. We all owe him, every living creature does, but I feel only those who were with me at the Vanishing Point know how much."

“The right people know, Sara. You and the others, all the people who loved him. You will make sure his legacy goes on.”

“He shouldn’t have died.”

“I know. Life isn’t always fair. It hardly ever is, actually. And we may not know how long we have or what is going to come our way, but you can honor Oliver if you make the most of the time you have left.”

“When did you become so wise?”

“When have I not been wise?” Ava’s lips search for Sara’s this time. It tickles a little when her girlfriend chuckles into the kiss. “Try and get some sleep, will you, my love?” 

“Another wise point.” 

Ava runs her free hand through Sara’s hair softly, slowly, the way she knows Sara likes it. Once Sara’s breathing has evened out she inadvertently lets out the words on her mind. “I’ve missed you.”

“Wake me up.” Sara’s voice comes out in a muffled whisper against Ava’s neck.

“What?”

“If I’m still asleep when you get up. I meant what I said before. I want you to be there when I wake up.”

“Always.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed. Let me know your thoughts.


End file.
